LQ 

Forgive me if my words do not go

      the distance—

            we walk along the shore

night: your face in shadow
 

in the imprints we leave, dying

fish nestle, mouths opening

and closing in the cold
 

they gleam like silver

coins, the shore’s small

change, hurled back by the sea

 
Your shoulder beads with ocean spray

* * *

    Being sick was much more fun when we were children.  So was the rain.

    Endings are inherently tragic.  Beginnings often have a whiff of desperation about them.

    Three is beauty.  Hence, this third line.

* * *

    I miss sleep.  Let me lay my head on your shoulder.    

 

Escapism by procrastination is my favorite vice.  I know I'd have to contend with my mountain of papers and my lack of powerpoint presentations soon, but it's really nice to pretend that I don't have anything to do.

Hay.

One of my students threw a ballpen at his classmate today.  It seemed good-natured enough, but I was really disturbed afterwards.  I felt taken advantage of.  My co-workers later told me that I was probably too nice.  That can be remedied, hehehehe. (puts on iron fist prosthetic)

Grrraahhh.  I want to stop worrying, but the feeling comes whether I will  it to or not.  One important thing I learned from this job, however, is that these feelings always go away after a while.  This too shall pass.  Good mantra.

* * *

Off to work on a Sunday! Babu!

    I was riding a jeepney the other day when I saw this old sticker that made me snicker (sticker, snicker, sticker snicker).  It said "God knows HUDAS not pay!" (hwekwekwekwekwek...) XD

    I know, I know, that line's pretty old.  An oldie but goodie though.  Which made me think of other jeepney literary classics.  For instance, have you noticed  that new type of jeepney poetry?  Like haikus, they're short and sweet, each line painted on a small wood plank.  Whole verses would hang from hooks on the ceiling behind the driver's and passenger's seats.  They swayed each time the jeep sped up or stopped.  Here's an example:

"Kunin mo ang  puso ko" -> that's on the first plank
"pati na ang katawan ko" -> this one on the second plank, which hangs from the first.
"huwag lang"
"ang kita ko"

    Again, hwekwekwekwek.  But isn't it amazing that a new poetry form could emerge from our humble jeepney?  Of course the topics are limited to sex, income, and nonpayers-being-thrown-into-the-flames-of-hell-until-the-end-of-time.  But what  could be more important? XD

    It's a cultural phenomenon, not limited to the jeepney.  We Filipinos are, as a rule, fond of witticisms.  We like collecting quotes, song lyrics, acronyms.  We hoard these in our minds, where they gather in the corners like dustballs.  Like, do you remember the country acronyms we used to use in letters and slumbooks back in grade school? Like ITALY (I trust and love you!), JAPAN (Just always pray at night!).  Heh.  Actually, those are the only ones I remember.  I didn't actually get into that whole bandwagon, just like i didn't get into the stationery and sticker collecting phase that everyone else seemed to go through.  But that's a whole other entry.

    Just recently crimson_parsley told me what PHILIPPINES meant.

    P -umping
    H -ot
    I
    L-ike
    I-t
    P -lease
    P -lease
    I
    N-eed
    E-rotic
    S-timulation!

    Heh.  No wonder I didn't know this in grade school.  Not GP at all.  =p

    And everyone seems to have their favorite quote.  Like that overused chestnut "It's better to have loved and lost...yada yada...".  Or "There's nothing to fear but fear itself."  Or, for the Noranians, "My brother is not a pig!"   (i prefer the porcine one myself)

    It's also pretty standard to ask for a person's favorite motto in noontime show beauty pageants and  (again) slumbooks.  "Time is gold," "a rolling stone gathers no moss," "a stitch in time saves nine," "ang batang mabait, napupunta sa langit," ad infinitum (and ad nauseum).  My own favorite answers to the "What is your favorite motto?" question came from an old beauty pageant in Eat Bulaga (i think it was called TeeVee babes).

     Vic Sotto: (asks contestant): What is your favorite motto?
    Contestant: Ajinomoto
(insert eternal embarrassment here)

and another one:
    Vic Sotto: (asks contestant): What is your favorite motto?
    Contestant:  Melanie Marquez.
(huwaaaat????)

    But of all the quotable quotes that I've ever encountered, the one that takes the cake is a line from luckychan's brother JT's secret admirer.  They never found out who wrote the unsigned note.  Whoever you are, though, know that you have been immortalized in quote history.
Here it is:

    "You are like the air to my balloon,
    without you, I cannot fly..."

A classic, I tell you.  A classic.

* * *

In other news:

~Karen has attempted to be GTK (Great Teacher Karen), in a teaching demo which she performed yesterday
~Tala, Mayumi, Eric and Caloy, are received by Maria Makiling.  I have no idea exactly what they're talking about.  They're conversing in low tones, and they won't allow me (or Kulas the kapre, who has been tailing them) to hear what they're saying. (intrigued? read our upcoming novel! <--shameless and premature plug)
~those school shootings are insane...

over and out.

For romance novel readers out there--even the ones in denial:

"Heartbreak", a book of short stories written by Filipinos on the subject of, you guessed it, heartbreak, is now available on National book store (at least luckychan and I saw it on National Katipunan.  She bought a copy.  As for me, I've had lots of practice saying "no" to myself.)  Looking at the book from a purely physical standpoint--the cover design, the paper, and the font, which were all I was able to assess, really--I'd say it's a good buy.  The paper was thick and of good quality, the font did not look "jologs", and the cover was designed well and laminated with matte plastic (Yeah, yeah, I really like books with matte covers.  You just want to rub your cheek against them. Ahh, book love...)

As for the all important content, Les says the stories are written well.  I'd have to borrow the book from her to confirm that...ehem.

I hope the book sells well, though.  That would give writers more opportunities to get their work out there...double ehem.

A, tama na nga 'to.

* * *

I myself, am a secondhand book junkie.  I seem to have pretty good luck with Booksale branches too.  Recently, I bought Madeleine L'engle's "A Wrinkle in Time" for 20 pesos, and Isaac Asimov's "Foundation" for a whopping 30 pesos.  Both books were in pretty good condition too, and both are the first ones in their respective series.

* * *


I feel strangely blank.

------------------------------------

Fill in the blank...

ha! that sounded strangely cheesy.  Like something you'd say to your lover.  "Fill in my blank." XD it sounds just a bit wrong too.

"You complete me."

gag.

Enough, enough of this. XD

Panoorin nyo po ang Siquijor, suporta na rin sa pelikulang Pilipino.  Still not THE great Filipino movie of our generation, pero ok naman. Comments: there were a few loose ends left at the end of the movie, and sometimes mahina ang sound.  But it's a fairly good mystery/suspense story, and the irony at the end was simply delicious.  Playful ang camera angles, very characteristic of indie filipino.

Rhea, Jerc and I watched it last saturday.  We had lunch in TemptAsian.  Then we burned everything off at an arcade game called "Final Furlong".  Guys, ito yung horse racing na game sa Timezone. Grabeh, nakakapagod, very physical.  They should put the damn machine in gyms; they'd make a killing.


* * *

Films.  We're writing a film script for the CinemaOne contest.  I'm burned out from trying to be creative for hours on end.  Now I can only think in stark Hemingway-esque prose. Declarative sentences:  I am tired. My neck hurts.  I want to rest, but I still need to prepare kefir.  Kefir is a health drink I ferment everyday for my parents.  It's made from milk, and tastes like creamy vinegar.

This is what you do for love.

It's a bit of an adjustment, working on a creative thing with new people.  By new, I mean not the gorgeous and talented writers in dormant muses.  Tougher.  And full of compromise, iba iba kasi ang creative vision nyo.

Worn out. Tired.  Squeezed dry. (But not dry enough to run out of rants.  Which brings me to my newly formulated theory that hope isn't the last thing to survive in the face of adversity; rants are).

Bye for now.

Our monitor is red! The whole thing is glowing with the malice of horror movie villains. The monitor has been on the fritz for a while, but red is a recent dvelopment: it used to be yellow. But things change, I guess. The color is making my eyes sore, and i'd like to use my sore eyes as an excuse to stop working (but of course, i can't stop working or I'd fall into the gaping, be-fanged mouth of the beast called Deadline).

So now, I'm using lj to procrastinate. hahaha.

Yellow was better on the eyes, i tell you. At least then, I could see the red suits in Free Cell (previously my method of avoiding work, before this red monitor fiasco. I kept rationalizing that at least Free Cell was the most intellectual of the Microsoft Windows card games--Bridge is, of course, more intellectual--and that I was developing my analytical skills by playing it. Now I can neither play, nor rationalize--two of my favorite activities).

***

Davao was fun. Once more, we proved that Filipinos are always eager to give commuting advice. Anyway, it's infinitely more fun to ride on cheap public transport--jeepney, pedicab--than to take a boring old cab. More local flavor that way. But no more riding shotgun on a motorcycle this time, like I did in Bohol with Mr. Chua: we were speeding through the drizzle, the raindrops sharp and cold as needles against our faces. I tried not to hold the driver's shoulders in a death grip. I was laughing and shouting all the way. That was fun.

Never say yes to tour buses. Those are expensive, and you won't get lost, which is sometimes fun as long as you like who you're with.

Also: "Beware of falling durian." Masakit yun.

***

On the personal life/job front: I have one already. Sort of. A job, i mean. I'm doing my internship at World Health Organization in Tayuman. Tungkol sa malaria pa rin, if you can believe my luck (although it involves policy writing, no lab work. I like it though). On my first day (which was the same day as Game 3 of the UAAP season 69 finals), I nearly took the wrong train AND I got lost inside the DOH compound--my first day geographical mishaps. On my way home, a contingent of yellow shirts got on the train at Legarda station, and got off at Cubao.

***

Hoy Miss Lucas! May parlor day tayo di ba? LOL, how gay. (Ang lamboht! Parang nagpa-salohn!)

Just yesterday, we found out that someone else was using our address when we received mail for a Mr. Mendoza. That meant either one of us was living a secret life (as a spy, a stripper, or both), or that a certain Mr. Mendoza was using our address, for reasons known only to him and to God. It turned out to be the second reason.

This left us totally perplexed. Dad, being a rather thoughtful person, went to Mr. Mendoza to deliver the misdirected piece of mail. Dad then clarified that the lot numbers for our street were assigned to have a logic to them (Odd numbers on the left, even on the right side of the road), TWENTY years ago (which was around the time we started living here). The man who received the mail, however, was convinced that they were right in using number 7, and WE were actually number 7C. Imagine, sila ay nakatira sa isang apartment building constructed fairly recently, and located further down the road (which logically means that their house number would be higher than ours), but they're insisting that WE had the wrong address. What? Pwede bang basta basta na lang humugot ka ng address just because you don't like yours? (if the system were followed, they would be on lot #13 kasi) My sister and I suspect that they're stealing our address because of superstitious reasons (the dreaded number 13). Is it right to live your life--and steal other people's addresses--based on superstition? Grabe, it would be funny if it weren't so juvenile.

* * *

Still no job. Kristina's sojourn to Australia (as migrant bear, she has moved south) has inspired people, I think, to reflect on their own futures. Mine is not exactly so peachy (refer to previous posts on the difficulty of finding employment and the nature of despair), but I see something up ahead. I think it's a thin sliver of light, but it just might be a piece of lint on the windshield.

Anyway, I'm putting most of my hopes and energies into getting into grad school, and writing a manuscript for Maam CTV. Mostly hopes. I am daunted by the sheer amount of work left to do to write something worthy of publication. I hope i am equal to the task, me with my rusty brain recently awakened from hibernation. This whole week is going to be busy, busy, busy. (incidentally, Jeric consoled me with the thought that if I HAD gotten hired, I wouldn't have enough time to finish the manuscript. Thank God for small blessings).

* * *

I recently unearthed an unfinished poem from between the pages of my copy of "The molecular biology of the cell" by Alberts. It still seems new to me.

I locked myself out of my room!!! ~insert groan of disgust here~

And all the people who have duplicate keys are out of the country!!!

Grahh! Nice going Karen.

If I were Magneto, i wouldn't have this problem. wala lang.

***

Pink guested on Oprah the other night (yes, I have taken to watching Oprah now, but only because my sleep-wake cycle has shifted a few hours, and we don't have cable TV). Oprah asks Pink what her definition of "stupid" was. Pink said, very seriously, that to be stupid was to "constantly try to be something that you're not". Of course, this answer goes well with the episode's entire woman-empowering, "stop the who's-the-skankiest-bitch contest", "women are not sex objects" theme.

If Pink says to be stupid is to "constantly try to be something that you're not", I have a different definition. I say, to be stupid is to be ignorant of how much you don't know. Trying to seem like an expert at something that you know nothing about, something that you don't have information on, something that you don't have the faculty to see, and worst of all, something that you refuse to see..to try to sound knowledgeable when you don't know shit, you don't have data, your perception is skewed...that to me is the worst kind of stupidity. Particularly irksome are people who like to hurl complaints by default, no matter what the conditions actually are. I dislike people who think that constantly complaining will make them look like they know more than they do. Just take a look at many of our politicians.

It's extremely disappointing to know how trendy complaining--especially about the government--has become. All destruction and no creation. Could people just shut up and think about what they can do for this country, instead of poking holes in the ship?

(Sorry. Nanood kasi ako ng Debate kagabi. Iba na talaga ang nocturnal.)

Also included in my definition of stupid are people who lock themselves out of their rooms. hay.

***

As a new member of the legion of the unemployed, I find that i am making the most of this unexpected hiatus. There was some awkwardness involved in growing into the role of good-for-nothing bum (particularly painful was having no convenient answer for the "occupation" field in government forms--i had to fill in the blank with a "none" or "---" or a "N/A". Very, VERY bad feeling).

I've been told to just enjoy this period of leisure--by Jeric, who has temporarily found his niche in the tense corporate world-- so, I'm enjoying it. Since I have a lot of time, I'm indulging in activities that people--people with jobs--often claim to have no time for: catching up on my reading, watching movies on DVD, baking, exercising, the works. My nest egg from DOST hasn't dried up yet, so I don't feel like a completely worthless sponge. When it does, though, I'll take that as a big, glowing neon sign that says "IT'S TIME TO BE A CALL CENTER AGENT!"

...

Honestly, i do have plans, but it's this waiting that gets to me.

***

I went to the DOST job fair today, at Bahay ng Alumni. As expected/dreaded, a molecular biology graduate is a white elephant. The Petron HR girl asked me why I chose to study MBB, and I replied, "gusto ko kasi". Still, one's dedication is probably severely tested if one is starving -- which I am not, as my parents are kind enough to keep me at the moment. The HR girl, incidentally, is a psych grad who wanted to do med, but ended up in the corporate world instead (looking after the mental health of stressed salarymen) due to lack of funds for med school tuition. I guess there are trade-offs for everyone: hers was money vs. dream, mine is accommodation into the status quo (by taking a job not related to MBB) vs. dream (doing work in my field, in my country) vs. leaving the country, versus who knows what else. Tough. You can write volumes off your own, and other people's, existential angst.

***

The calendar of quotes yielded this one today, from Mother Teresa:

"I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

made me smile. hope it worked for you too.

Choking, don't forget to download Yakitate!

***

Good cop, bad cop

Maganda ang libro ng tito ni Leslie (na--dahil sa kanyang angking talino--ay tinatawag ko nang Gamalinda-sama sa isip ko). Hindi naman ako na-depress sa kwento. "No good books are depressing. All bad books are."

Maganda ang pilates video na binili ko kasama ni Kristina (Paner). Ngunit walang panananalig si itay dito: ika nya, di sya naniniwalang ang ehersisyo habang nakahiga ay nakakapagod. Di bale, hindi naman para sa kanya ang video. Kaya biniro ko na lang siya at sinabing may ehersisyo naman ako bukod sa pilates: aerobic eating (nguya nguya lunok, pagbubuhat ng plato at mga kubiyertos) and drinking (buhat baso, tungga tungga).

Pangit ang pakiramdam ng walang trabaho (walang silbi, walang pera). Baka katayin na ako ng mga magulang ko, para lang ipangtustos sa pang-araw araw na pagkain sa bahay. Pero hindi mangyayari yun. Bakit? Dahil vegetarian sila.

Pangit na ang buhok ko (oo, baka matagal na itong totoo, pero ang kaso, kahit ako nakakapansin nang pangit ito). Gusto ko nang magpagupit.

Masarap mabuhay, ngunit mahirap mag-isip, lalo na kung para sa sarili.

Hanggang sa susunod, kaibigan.

***

I repeat: Choking, i-download mo na ang Yakitate! Chop chop!

Currently reading "Confessions of a Volcano" by Eric Gamalinda (who is, incidentally, Leslie's uncle). I haven't finished it yet but I'm liking it already.

Refused job offer from Smart: i refuse to be underemployed in all possible ways! (get this: ang sahod ay four digits at gross pa lang yun! Eww! Gross!)

Seeing the benefits in being unemployed and for the moment, uncommitted to any course of action: for one you have a lot of time. also you can consider steering your life in all sorts of directions, as mundane or as crazy as you like.

There are some things about yourself that you can't change. Me, I'm very forgetful by nature, and I don't hold on to many things for long. This is a mixed blessing.

I haven't written anything substantial during this idle spell, but I've read a lot. I could finish off one paperback a day. I'm also reading Yakitate Japan (sa wakas), and I must say: Ang OA nila tuwing nakakatikim ng tinapay!

In the spirit of Yakitate and entrepreneurship, I baked my first batch of brownies from scratch yesterday (brownies are not bread exactly, pero pwede na yun!). They're okay, but not excellent enough to sell yet. Resolutions: buy better quality chocolate, add more walnuts.

I'm spending like crazy on meals and movie tickets!

I finally tried the drum set thingie at timezone. ~huge smile~ The first time, I blew twenty pesos because I couldn't get the timing right. I did a little better the second time (nakaabot pa ko dun sa pangatlong kanta, woohoo)

Can someone find me an instrumental version of "Said I Loved you But I Lied"? I need it for one of those crazy things (see above).

I still want to write the next Filipino epic, and I still want to put up my company in the future. These are not exactly unique dreams, but they're mine.

The Yuchengco Group of Companies has filed a libel suit against a group of parents, for defamatory content in their blogs. This is the first libel case against bloggers in the Philippines.

I really want to go to Prague. ~cries~ I just don't know whether I'd have the financial capability by then.

Rewind: immunology conference in Prague on November 2006... we got asked by our adviser to try our chances at getting accepted for oral presentation... Karen is excited, but dreads the prospect of finding funding

I bet it'd be cold by then, which rules out the "sleeping on a parkbench" option. I hope the food is cheap in Prague. I hope lodging is cheap too. And while I'm at it, I hope I'll win the lottery tomorrow, win a Pulitzer and a Nobel (doesn't matter which category, but the peace prize is pretty cool), and be U.N. ambassador by the time I'm 25. Also, world peace. Amen.

ah, Europa, and your old stones.

***

This means I'll have to find a job soon. Sell drugs. Or something.

***

Our dear friend luckychan got published for the first time in this month's "Philippine Ghost Stories". Congratulations! Woohoo! ~jumps around and screeches for her~

First off, I would like to thank super friends luckychan and lethal_choking (at siyempre, si Jerc: huli man at magaling, nakahabol pa rin) for taking the time to read my palanca entry, and for their very helpful insights. Di ako nagsisisi: malalim ang inyong pang-unawa at sineryoso nyo talaga ang pag-beta read (nang walang pag-iimbot sa inyong panahon). Maraming salamat po.

(nabasa ko rin and entry ni luckychan, at palagay ko ay mananalo sya. yiki!)

***

malapit na ang boracay trip, pero mataba pa rin ako! Pero huli na ang lahat, at walang mangyayari sa pagsisisi. At kahit anong mangyari, di ako naniniwala sa diet! (Danve's joke: "Diet? Ano yun? Japanese parliament?" Trust Danve to come up with these educated jokes!)

***

kelangan ko nang mag-vocalize at may song number pa ko mamaya. babu!

Bad trip man! Kanina, sumakay ako ng jeep para pumunta sa UP, dahil magpapasa ko ng thesis manuscript draft. Tapos, sinong nakasabay ko sa jeep? walang iba kundi.... (tentenenten...)

ANGhit man!

Tumabi pa talaga sa akin ang hit man sa kulob na jeep. Tapos, humawak ang hit man sa railing, para mas lalo kong maamoy ang pheromones nya! Tapos, tumabi pa sya sa downwind side! Feel na feel ko ang lakas ng dating ng (ang)hit man--as in, wow!

kung minamalas nga naman.

***

Owner of the Sky
Cynthia Alexander

time and time again
we tread upon
the dusty earth we bed
in search for
the Owner of the Sky

must I? I must! I say
age upon age, say I,
exalt in my search for
the Owner of the Sky

I see sky, you see
the sky from end to end
sees I, you see
I be now
as I be then

life after life I be borne
upon the dusty path
lay your head on the weary rock
in search for in search for
the Owner of the Sky

I see sky, you see
the sky from end to end
sees I, you see
I be now as I be then

***

I love saying, "I have an artistic temperament!" That just cracks me up every time.